1 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:17,280 You need to think very carefully about where you take your kids. 2 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:20,200 The soft play in town, for example, is absolutely disgusting. 3 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:21,920 How disgusting? 4 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:25,240 I once found a very small, very dead octopus in the ball pit. 5 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,560 Jesus! Whereas this place... 6 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:29,680 ..full of rich wankers and their rich wanker kids. 7 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:33,960 Hah! Limp twat doesn't stand a chance against my two. 8 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:37,040 Hey. You can't talk about someone else's child like that. 9 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,920 Even if they are dressed like a member of the Hitler Youth. 10 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:43,000 Excuse me. Your children are throwing things at Berty. 11 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,000 Aww, poor Berty. 12 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,880 No, Berty's my son. 13 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,320 Oh. 14 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:51,200 And now they've tricked him into eating Play-Doh! 15 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:52,520 That is a criminal offence. 16 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,040 Oh... I don't think it is, actually. 17 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,720 So sod off back to Waitrose, yeah? Everything OK? 18 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,480 Ben? 19 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,920 Shit. 20 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:10,520 You know her, Ben? 21 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,520 Yep. Er, we know each other through work. 22 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:17,320 Yes! Gemma was involved in the takeover. 23 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:20,840 I don't recall you being mentioned. What was your role? 24 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,920 I was the getaway driver. 25 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:27,040 Er, Gemma was partnered with Sebastian Ford. 26 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,320 Oh. You worked with Seb? 27 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:32,720 Well, that must have been so difficult for you. 28 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,080 Oof. Well, let me tell you... 29 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:35,640 Gemma, it has been so great to see you again. 30 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,520 Mummy! Oh, excuse me, please. 31 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,360 Darling, what's happened? 32 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,600 Yeah, it's great to see you too, Ben. 33 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,000 It's been what, eight months? 34 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,320 Holy shit! 35 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,160 We should exchange contact details. 36 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,040 No, we really don't have to. 37 00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:01,120 For God's sake, Ben. He's covered in juice, again! 38 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,000 Well, it's your turn to clean him up. 39 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,000 Cocksucker. 40 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,360 Come on... 41 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,640 Er, can we just...? 42 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:10,760 One sec. OK. 43 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,480 Fucking put that down! It's not your dog! Er, so... 44 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,760 ..is it mine? Yes. Congratulations. 45 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:21,360 I finished in the sink! 46 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,360 Look, please, please just don't say anything to Allegra, just for now. 47 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:27,600 Like, do you want money? 48 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,800 I can PayPal you money right now. Piss off! 49 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,560 Sorry! I just... 50 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,200 It's a lot. 51 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,520 Mm. 52 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,520 Can I have your number? 53 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:37,840 Fine. 54 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,720 Mummy wants us to pop by. If you think you can get 55 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,600 the Defender up her driveway without hitting anything this time. 56 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:48,400 Well, good luck with the baby 57 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,800 and, erm, give our regards to Seb! Will do. 58 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,400 Come on, Berty, this way. Can you open the door, please? 59 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,520 Is kissing him like getting off with a giraffe? 60 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,600 That's the first question you want to ask me? 61 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:03,680 So what are you going to do? 62 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,000 Nothing! 63 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,520 Ugh! God, he's a liar and a cheat, 64 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,080 and judging by the size of that baby he was holding, 65 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,080 Allegra was very pregnant when we...met. 66 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:14,280 Where did you meet him? 67 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:15,360 In a toilet. 68 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,600 Oh, romantic. 69 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,840 I mean, there's no way I'll hear from him again. 70 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,320 It's Ben. He says he wants to talk. 71 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,040 Malcolm, what the fuck is this? 72 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:30,880 I got those from the charity shop. 73 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:34,160 They're DVDs I used to watch with the girls when they were little. 74 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:35,720 Ballykissangel? Boring. 75 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,560 Grey's Anatomy? Boring. 76 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,200 Lovejoy? Fantastic! 77 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:40,680 The Shining? 78 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,440 Yeah. It's about a little boy, isn't it? 79 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,520 Yeah, whose dad tries to murder him with an axe. 80 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,000 Malcolm, you watched this with your kids? Yeah. 81 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,640 Wednesday night was film night. 82 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,080 Why don't you just dig out your actual DVDs? 83 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,040 Davina gave them away to the cat shelter 84 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,160 when she got rid of the house. 85 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,080 You know, not for the cats to watch, obviously. 86 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,160 Because they just watch snooker, don't they? 87 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,560 Wait. Your ex-wife gave away all your stuff? 88 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,040 Well, she left some of the girls' stuff up in the loft. 89 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:07,440 You know, baby photos and toys, and stuff like that. 90 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,960 I was supposed to go round and collect them but I just, er... 91 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,280 I couldn't. Dad, this box was outside the flat. 92 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,160 Which I guess means you haven't asked Baris to fix the intercom yet. 93 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:20,240 Look! Got these DVDs for the baby! 94 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:22,720 No. My baby's not watching The Shining. 95 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,920 That's why Catherine's so messed up. 96 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,640 Ooh, speak of the devil. 97 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,120 I know you find aggressive women terrifying, 98 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,880 but you need to go and visit her. Not this again. 99 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,160 Look, I don't like going either, but at least take her 100 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,960 a Christmas present. A big Toblerone or something? 101 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,680 Look, I got this for you. Well, for the little one. 102 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:44,960 Will you stop buying random crap and just do the stuff I ask you to do? 103 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,640 Er, now, Gemma, I do think you're being a bit tough on Malcolm here. 104 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:53,000 I'm just saying, you know, I know how hard it is being pregnant. 105 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,680 Oh, you do, do you? Uh-huh. 106 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,320 Is your bladder the side of a peanut? 107 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,400 Does your pelvis feel like it's going to snap in half? 108 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,440 Are your tits so swollen 109 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,400 it's like two kettlebells are strapped to your chest? 110 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,240 No. But I do remember what a massive bitch my wife was. 111 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,120 Look at this! I got all this for a fiver off eBay. 112 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,040 Look! 113 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,040 Yeah, just once round in the washing machine 114 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:15,400 and give 'em a bit of a scrub and they'll be fine. Oh, Dad... 115 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,280 Just pop 'em in here. 116 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,560 Ugh! 117 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,680 Thank you for agreeing to meet me. 118 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,840 I'm not going to tell her, by the way. 119 00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,800 That's very decent of you. 120 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,720 I'm not trying to be decent. 121 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,760 I just don't need the drama of blowing up someone else's life. 122 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,240 So Allegra is your girlfriend? 123 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,480 Wife. 124 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,120 No ring? 125 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,320 Well, my grandfather was degloved aboard The Prince of Wales. 126 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:47,640 Degloved? 127 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:50,160 Degloved is when the ring is caught and.. 128 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,280 and the skin is sort of pulled off the flesh. 129 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,440 Gristle and bone. Mm-hm. Well, none of the men in my family wear one. 130 00:05:56,440 --> 00:06:01,560 It's kind of like a fun family tradition slash horrible obsession. 131 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,160 Wow! I was going to ask if there were 132 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,360 any hereditary illnesses I needed to know about, 133 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,200 but I didn't expect to hear about fingers being torn off. 134 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,080 It's not the whole fingers. Just the skin. Oh, course. 135 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,160 So I thought you might like to see these. 136 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,960 Just to give you some sort of indication of what you're carrying. 137 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,160 That is such a weird way of putting it, thank you. 138 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,520 God, Berty looks nothing like you. 139 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,360 He... He's all Allegra. 140 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,040 She has very strong genes. 141 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,160 Whoa. Big house. 142 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,240 Yeah. Or too big. I mean, I once nearly starved to death 143 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,040 playing a game of hide and seek. 144 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,880 Took days to find me. 145 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,600 Taxi! 146 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,640 Oh... Thank you. 147 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,920 Well, that was the best £45 bowl of pasta I've ever had. 148 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,840 Oh, it's the least I could do. 149 00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:53,280 Yeah, considering the next 18 years are on me. 150 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:57,280 Well, maybe I can send you some items to help? Er... 151 00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,800 Clothes? Pram? A nanny? 152 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,400 It's a joke. 153 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,680 It's technically people trafficking, so... 154 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,960 Give me your phone. Sure. 155 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,320 Sorry. 156 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,840 My address. 157 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,000 Inanimate objects only. OK. 158 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,720 I'll let you know when the baby arrives. Yeah, that'd be...great. 159 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,760 Thank you. Thanks. You can keep the coat. 160 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:24,440 Oh! No, that was a joke. 161 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,240 It's quite cold. Yeah. 162 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:31,160 Thank you. Thank you. See you. See you. 163 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,240 Oh, how was the film? 164 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,760 Yeah, better than I was expecting. Good. 165 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,240 Dad, have you got any baby photos of me and Catherine? 166 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,600 Oh...no. I didn't take much with me, you know, 167 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,800 after I found your mum humping that guy who sold sponges door-to-door. 168 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,240 OK. Hey, but I... I know where they are, though. 169 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,760 They're up in the loft of the old house. 170 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,000 I could pop round and get them. 171 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,160 I'm sure the people who've moved in won't mind. 172 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,240 That's OK... 173 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,200 What? Kenny Tugger? Malcolm Moscrip. 174 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:19,840 You bought this house from me. 175 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,080 Well, not from me, no, from Davina, from my wife. 176 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,720 I mean, you would have dealt with my wife, you see. Mum! 177 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,280 Wait a minute! 178 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:29,760 Oh. This one said he used to own the house. Yeah. 179 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:34,080 Er, I don't think my wife cleared out the loft before you moved in. 180 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,520 We fucking know she didn't. 181 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:38,680 People who sell houses and leave loads of shit in the loft are scum. 182 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,920 You...are scum. 183 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,520 Yeah. I couldn't go up and get some boxes, could I? 184 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,040 No! Piss off! 185 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:50,000 And get your fucking mail redirected. 186 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:02,760 Oh, Jesus! 187 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,760 Hey, what are you doing? 188 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,480 Oh, come on. No, no. They just... 189 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,560 They just need a bit of elbow grease, don't they? 190 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:10,960 They'll be as good as new. 191 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,600 Dad, have you arranged a date to visit Catherine yet? 192 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:16,240 It's not going to be as scary as you think it is. 193 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:19,040 I'm not scared of seeing my own daughter, Gemma. OK. 194 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:23,840 Hello? 195 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,480 Dad! 196 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,760 Oh, yeah. It's on... It's on my list, sorry. 197 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:32,040 Fuckin' 'ell... 198 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,520 I can't stop thinking about you. 199 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,920 Did your wife forget to pack your umbrella? 200 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,280 Dad? 201 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:07,440 Hey, hey. Ta-da! 202 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,760 Obviously we'll sew it before we put the sprog in it. 203 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,360 The staples are just for demonstration. 204 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:13,960 Good, eh? Yeah. 205 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:18,600 Er, Ben... Hi. ..this is my dad, Malcolm. 206 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,320 Dad, this is Ben. Yeah. 207 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,920 He's the baby's father. 208 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,640 Yes. 209 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,280 Er, it's a... 210 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,880 It's a pleasure to meet you, Malcolm. Yeah. 211 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:33,360 Would you like some kitchen roll for your hair? 212 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,360 Er...yeah. 213 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:37,720 Yes, thank you. 214 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,440 Well... 215 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:43,040 Please, just try and be a bit less weird. What do you mean? 216 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:45,120 Kitchen roll for his hair? 217 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,000 Well, he was wet, and this is super absorbent. 218 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,720 I can go if it's a bad time? 219 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,400 No. No. OK, good. 220 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,320 Cos I'm... I'm quite cold. 221 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,440 It's nice to finally meet 222 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,520 one of your boyfriends, eh, Gemma? He's not my boyfriend. 223 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,880 I don't suppose you've got a spare jumper I could borrow, do you? 224 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,320 Er, yeah, Dad'll have one. Yes. 225 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,320 Yes, I'll endeavour to find one. Great. 226 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:06,520 Endeavour?! 227 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,440 That's good for him. 228 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,320 Want these? Oh, yeah. Thanks. Cheers. 229 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,920 Er, the nursery looks... 230 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,520 Looks lovely. Mm. 231 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,360 Yeah, my dad decorated it. 232 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:28,080 He lives with me, by the way. Right. 233 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,760 You probably gathered. Yes. 234 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,000 Looks great. Thank you. 235 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:37,600 Yeah, my mum left and neither of us can afford... 236 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,840 Here we go. Ooh! No, keep going. I'll just pop these on the bed. 237 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,120 Thank you. 238 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,680 Good? Yeah. 239 00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,960 I made them myself. Yesterday. 240 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,680 I mean, they've been in the fridge but, erm, 241 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:05,000 I find that's more to my taste. Lovely. 242 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,280 Thanks, Dad. 243 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:07,640 Right, yeah. 244 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,080 You should probably go. I should... 245 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,760 ..but I really don't want to. 246 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:22,040 Plus, fridge spuds are my favourite food. 247 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,200 Yeah. I mean, you can really taste the... 248 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,720 The fridge. 249 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:32,400 He sounds like a dick. 250 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,480 Eating your weird snack potatoes without comment. 251 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,600 No, he was ever so nice, actually. Oh, shut up about Ben! 252 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,080 We need to work out how to get into your old loft. OK? 253 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,640 Two words. 254 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,000 Home. Invasion. 255 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,160 We smash in the front door of your old place, 256 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:55,520 we tie up Agnes and Kenny and we take... 257 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,320 We take what's rightfully yours. 258 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:03,880 Seems a bit extreme. 259 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,800 I thought you'd pussy out of that one, Malc. 260 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,240 All right, backup plan. Have you still got your door key? 261 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,600 Yeah. I couldn't bear to give it back, so.. 262 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,160 Oh, is that them? 263 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,120 Yeah. The ones who bought your gaff. 264 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,280 We let ourselves in while they're out, 265 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,320 we grab the stuff from the loft without the Tuggers even noticing. 266 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:23,600 Oh, yeah. 267 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,680 Hey, but there's quite a bit of stuff, 268 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,720 so we're going to need an extra pair of hands. 269 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:30,840 If you say that fucking toilet, Ben, I'm out. 270 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:39,120 So, er, before we go to the pub, 271 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,640 I thought you might like to see the house Gemma grew up in? 272 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,720 Yeah. I want to know everything about her. 273 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,080 You heard him, Malcolm. 274 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,560 He's well up for helping with these boxes. 275 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:51,320 Er...what boxes? No, look, come on. 276 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,000 I mean, yeah, he has some baggage, 277 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,440 but with Ben it's more like a shipping container 278 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,800 that's got a wife, five kids and a Chihuahua in it. 279 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,040 Sorry...five kids?! 280 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,360 Yeah. The older three are at boarding school. 281 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:07,800 Do you think he's got a thing for pregnant women? 282 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,160 I'm not going to go into details, 283 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:10,680 but he's certainly not put off by it. 284 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,520 Lovely, really. Sh! In you go. 285 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:16,920 Sorry... In here. 286 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,960 Why have you got torches? I mean, should I have a torch? 287 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,840 Hey! You don't get a torch! 288 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:26,560 Aww, that's where Gemma had her first little Wendy house. 289 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:30,320 Oh, look! Oh, God, and that's where she lost her first tooth. 290 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,800 Oh, that's a shame - they've taken down the stone cladding. 291 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,520 It took me ages to put that up. Tasteless arseholes. 292 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,920 Now fuck Kenny Tugger and his whore mother Agnes. 293 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:45,280 Er...do other people live here now? The Tuggers. The Tuggers. 294 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:48,400 Do they know you're in their house? Of course not. Duh. 295 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,360 Otherwise they'd call the police, wouldn't they? 296 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,760 Whoa. Not so fast, matey. You're an accessory now. 297 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,600 Oh, my God! I'm part of a burglary! 298 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,800 No, it'll be fine as long as we don't move or break anything. 299 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,200 What did he fucking just say, 300 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,520 you giant bellend? I'm sorry! 301 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,920 Oh, shit! 302 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,560 Wha...wha...what should I do? 303 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,720 I mean, do WE pull it out or leave it in? 304 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,320 Bit late for that conversation, eh, Malcolm? Shut up! 305 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,640 I hope your DNA's not on a register somewhere. 306 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,480 OK, look, brace yourself, all right? 307 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,320 After three. One, two... 308 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:21,880 OK. OK. Oh, my God! 309 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,440 Argh! You're bleeding. You're bleeding. Just hold it up. 310 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,760 No, you're bleeding. It's dripping! Hold it up. Don't bleed everywhere. 311 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,880 Hold it. Let's be quick. Quick now. 312 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:33,080 Quick. Come on. Come on. Up the stairs. 313 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,800 Go get those boxes. Come on. Up, up, up, up, up! 314 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,040 Sorry, you can't have a relationship with him. 315 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:41,960 He's got a family! 316 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,880 And a really shit dog. 317 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,760 It's actually a very cute dog. 318 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:50,200 And that's his choice to make, not mine, and certainly not yours. 319 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,480 What is he, like, ten years older than you? 320 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,640 I just think it's a bit sordid, that's all. 321 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:55,800 12. 322 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,960 And it's the best offer I've had so far. Oh, cool. 323 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,880 So you're happy to tear a family apart, are you? 324 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,240 God, I'm trying to build a family. 325 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,320 With the father of my child. 326 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:08,720 I, er... 327 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,160 I just didn't think that's who you were, that's all. 328 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:15,680 Get the fuck out. 329 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,280 Seriously, fuck off. 330 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:22,680 Fine. 331 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,640 Wow. 332 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,640 What the hell was all that about? 333 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,480 Oh, come on, babe, you must know. 334 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,480 Fuck off! 335 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,080 Oh, hey! Look at this! Ow! 336 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,920 It's just how I left it. 337 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:44,680 Oh, my "man corner." Oh... 338 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,640 Oh, God. Ben, come here. 339 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,880 Let me give you a little bit of advice. Yeah? 340 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,440 There's going to be times when it all gets a bit too much. 341 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,000 Especially if you and Gemma go on and have more sprogs. 342 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,320 More? I don't think... 343 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,520 Being a dad, it's amazing, 344 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,080 but also fucking awful. 345 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:08,320 Sometimes the misery just gets into your bones, you know? 346 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,440 And when that happens, you're going to need a little corner 347 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,960 where you can take yourself off and just block it all out, you know? 348 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,560 Right. A little space in the loft, 349 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:21,280 with a dog bed, and just lie down and... 350 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:23,960 ..hide. 351 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,000 Yeah, you're better off getting yourself 352 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,200 a little man bucket for your man mess. 353 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,160 Don't worry. I've emptied that before I moved out. What? Oh... 354 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,440 I think. 355 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:33,880 Yeah. 356 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,040 Oh, look, there he is. 357 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,520 Ha-ha! I put Mr T up there. 358 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:40,320 To give me some inspiration. 359 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,920 Fun fact about Mr T, I thought he died of bowel cancer. 360 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,400 How is that a fun fact? 361 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,960 Do you want me to throw you through the fucking loft hatch?! 362 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,360 No, I... 363 00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:53,600 Shite! 364 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,520 Pull that up! Quick, get that up! Fuck! 365 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,160 Help him get that up. 366 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,520 Oh, shit! 367 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,200 Shit! OK. If they do come up, 368 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,880 I've just found this extra-strong piece of garden twine. 369 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:12,560 Dad? 370 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,720 Oh, hi, Gemma. Why are you whispering? 371 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,160 We're stuck in the loft of the old house. 372 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,600 Me, Derek and Ben. 373 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,480 What? I tell you to not be weird and that's where you end up? 374 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,720 Fuck's sake! I was trying to get some old photographs, 375 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:29,360 but the Tuggers, they wouldn't let me in. The Tuggers? 376 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:32,040 The massive A-holes who bought the house. Sh! 377 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,600 But, look, they've come home early and we're trapped. 378 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,240 Wait. Wait. Slow down. 379 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,480 So you, Derek and Ben are in the old loft 380 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,760 and the new owners don't know you're up there? No. 381 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:42,120 Well, I don't think so, but... 382 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:45,200 ..Ben did bleed a lot in the front room, so who knows? 383 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,800 What?! Is he OK?! Yeah, yeah. He's a big lad, isn't he? 384 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,800 So he probably had more blood than most of us in the first place, 385 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,960 so he can afford to lose a drop or two. 386 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,240 Look, do you think we're in trouble? 387 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,120 For breaking into someone's house, 388 00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,920 bleeding all over their carpets and stealing things from their loft? 389 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,680 Yeah. That's on the criminal side of things. 390 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,280 Erm, OK. 391 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,200 Wait there. Do not make a sound. I'm coming over. 392 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,440 Oh, thanks, Gemma. Thanks. 393 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,600 She's coming round. She's coming round. 394 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,160 Oh, Mr T... 395 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,920 Are you sure this is going to work? I hope so. 396 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:24,680 I can't deal with Dad and Ben being in prison too. 397 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,480 Make some labour noises, then! 398 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:32,120 Yeah, that's it. 399 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,440 Oh, my God, my friend's gone into labour! 400 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,720 Why's she on my drive? That's trespassing. 401 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,240 Cos she's having a baby! Not on my drive, she isn't. 402 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,400 I don't want any of that... That muck on my drive. 403 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,240 It'll attract the foxes. Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's going on here? 404 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,400 Silly bint's having a baby on our drive. 405 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,480 I said to her, it'll bring the foxes out. 406 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,480 Kenny Tugger, you little rotter! 407 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,200 Come on, lovey. Let me get you inside. 408 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,480 No, no. I've always wanted a gravel birth. 409 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,280 So maybe you guys could stay outside instead? 410 00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,600 Want me to get the stretcher, Mum? 411 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,520 Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Go on. 412 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,600 No, no. I can walk, thank you. 413 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:04,880 Up you get. 414 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:06,200 Ooooh. 415 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,560 Argh. 416 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,400 Thank you. Oh, God... 417 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:10,440 Oh, dear. 418 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:11,480 Oh... 419 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,040 I'm having a panic attack. 420 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,920 Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. 421 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:20,080 Hey, you know what's supposed to be good for a panic attack? 422 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,040 Breathing into a bag. OK. 423 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,640 Oh, God! 424 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,800 Hey! What are you doing? 425 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,480 Behave yourself! You're such a fucking psycho! 426 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,560 What the fuck has happened here? 427 00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:41,160 Stop it! We should just leave him here to die. Let him bleed out. 428 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,960 What is your fucking problem?! 429 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,000 Derek! You're the fucking problem. 430 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,720 You're not good enough for her! 431 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,640 Do you take PayPal, Kenny? 432 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,440 £6,000! 433 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,560 Mm. Yeah, and three stitches. 434 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,800 Honestly not the worst night out I've ever had. 435 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,840 Plus I got to know Malcolm better. 436 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:13,400 Er...he is odd. 437 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,400 Er, but lovely. 438 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,280 Yeah, he is. 439 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,040 I mean, I'd rather not be living with him. No. 440 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,520 He has been pretty great since... 441 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:27,200 Well... So, I made some calls... 442 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:33,160 ..and there is a flat ready for you next month, if you want it. 443 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,480 You can be settled by the time the baby's born. 444 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:40,320 A flat? Yeah. 445 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,680 Well, I wanted it to be, like, a surprise. Erm... 446 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,360 You don't have to pay a penny. 447 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,280 It's yours for as long as you want it. Forever. 448 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:52,920 Where will you live? 449 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,760 I'd come there every other weekend. 450 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,680 Is that a bad thing? Gemma, look... 451 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,200 ..Allegra takes the kids to Switzerland 452 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,840 for six weeks in the summer, so I'll be around loads then. 453 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:13,400 You'll be sick of the sight of me. 454 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,600 We can make it work! 455 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,520 With me as your bit on the side? 456 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,680 Oh, my God. I can't believe I've been so fucking stupid. 457 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,880 No, no, no, no. What's stupid, Gemma, 458 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,760 is you staying in this poky flat, with your Frankenstein baby clothes, 459 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,200 an intercom that doesn't work and your dad. 460 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:33,520 Oh! So you think this - my life - isn't good enough for your baby. 461 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:34,920 Well... 462 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,960 ..no. 463 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,640 Look. You don't have to do this alone, OK? 464 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:45,480 I'm not alone. 465 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:48,360 Gemma, I'm offering you a way out. 466 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:49,800 Right? 467 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:52,360 Don't be a stupid bitch about it. 468 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,160 Hey, you! Fucking hell! 469 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,240 Don't talk to my daughter like that. Yeah, I'm sorry, Malcolm. 470 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,920 I was a bit angry. No, I'd like you to leave now, thanks, Ben. 471 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,160 Just leave, please. Ow! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just... 472 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,640 What is wrong with you people? 473 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,400 Can you go, or I'll call Derek. On your way. 474 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,280 Gemma, I care about you. 475 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,720 Go on. Come on. Out you go. I'm going. 476 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,960 Yeah. Grab your coat, sling your hook. Go on. 477 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,440 My wife is horrible! Go on. On your way. 478 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,160 Gem? 479 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,640 Gem, are you all right? 480 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,360 It's all right. He's gone. He's gone. 481 00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,120 He's gone now. 482 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,280 You, erm... 483 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:34,640 You go and sit down, eh? 484 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:36,400 Go on. I'll make us a cup of tea. 485 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:39,520 Hey... 486 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,960 I knew he was married with kids 487 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,480 and I still pretended it was going to work out. 488 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,760 It's probably for the best, isn't it, eh? I mean, you know, 489 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,560 he would have wanted to call the baby... 490 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:56,680 ..Humphrey or something. 491 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,360 Oh, hey - hey, we haven't looked at these yet, have we? 492 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:04,480 Look, some photies. Hey. 493 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,160 Oh, and look what I found, hey? 494 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:07,720 Your favourite. 495 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:12,480 Dolly Wiggins. Dolly, Dolly, Dolly. 496 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,200 Dolly belonged to Cat, Dad. 497 00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,360 Did she? 498 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:18,800 Oh, right. 499 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,200 Yeah. 500 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,200 Come on. Come on. 501 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,760 Come on, Malcolm. Be strong. 502 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:39,240 I'm so sorry, Catherine. 503 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,520 I failed you as a father. 504 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,680 Oh, my God, Dad, you're being so embarrassing. 505 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,960 Can you forgive me? Yes, if you just shut up. 506 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:50,560 Well, I'm sorry. 507 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,200 I got you something. 508 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:57,720 Guess who I found? 509 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,000 Dolly Wiggins. 510 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,400 That's amazing. 511 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,480 Thanks, Dad. 512 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,000 It's all right, my darling. 513 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,440 There's nothing in here. 514 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,120 Why the fuck would you bring this in 515 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,920 if there's no drugs in its head? 516 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,000 Oh!